What Not To Say

If you have a friend, relative or coworker with an illness or disability that isn't obvious, you may think you're doing the right thing by saying he or she "looks so good." You can't even tell the person has a disability, and that's a good thing, right? Wrong.

Why do people with disabilities take offense to this comment and others like it? Ninety-six percent of illnesses are invisible to the average person, according to InvisibleIllness.com. To comment on a person's outward appearance dictates, intentionally or otherwise, that they should feel the way they look: just fine.

However, non-visible or chronic illnesses, such as diabetes, mental illness, lupus, multiple sclerosis and fibromyalgia, can be debilitating.

"The term 'invisible disabilities' refers to a person's symptoms such as extreme fatigue, dizziness, pain, weakness, cognitive impairments, etc., that are sometimes or always debilitating. These symptoms can occur due to chronic illness, chronic pain, injury ... and are not always obvious to the onlooker," according to The Invisible Disabilities Advocate. "A person can have an invisible disability whether or not they have a 'visible' impairment or use an assistive device like a wheelchair, walker, [or] cane."

Keeping a good game face is required in corporate America, as it is considered unprofessional to bring personal problems into the workplace. But looking good and feeling good are two very different things--and the impact of a disability or illness is as much psychological as it is physical. From the glares people with non-visible disabilities get after parking in a handicapped spot to the "You're so lucky you get to stay in bed all day" comments, the ignorance of the limitations of life with a chronic illness or disability can hurt as much as the actual pain.

Open Mouth, Remove Foot

Comments that compare the appearance or ability of a person with a disability to a person without a disability have the same underlying message as saying to a woman, “Your report was well done, for a girl.”

Other real-life hurtful comments that should not be uttered to a person with a disability, and why:

1.     "It's probably just stress." This undermines a diagnosis given by a qualified medical professional and makes it seem as though the person with a disability is exaggerating.

2.     "My friend had that, and she manages just fine." The effects of a disease can and often do manifest themselves differently from one person to the next. Measuring the extent of a person's disability against the condition of another person is insulting.

3.     "No pain, no gain!" This cliche does not apply when it comes to disability.

4.     "It's all in your head." This is especially infuriating for people who struggled to get a diagnosis for their symptoms. Just because symptoms are not visible to others doesn't mean a person doesn't have an illness or disability. Leave the medical interpretations to the experts. This occurs frequently for those with mental illnesses. According to the Mayo Clinic, "To some, the word 'mental' suggests that the illness is not a legitimate medical condition but rather a problem caused by your own choices and actions."

5.     "You're just looking for attention/pity." Hardly. Many people think that those with disabilities are helpless, broken and weak. The stigma is one that newly diagnosed people often have to grapple with in their own minds, which makes it even more hurtful to hear this from other people. But the stigma is wrong.

6.     "You're here! You must finally be better." This fallacy can be maddening. For those with chronic illness, there is no cure, and hearing a comment such as this one proves that the illness is not understood--and that no effort was made to understand it. Becoming accustomed to an illness or disability is a personal journey that everyone makes at his or her own pace.

7.     "I really admire your courage/how you pretend nothing is wrong." People with disabilities learn to adapt their lives around their disability. It is not a show of courage or denial to carry on, and to insinuate such is offensive.

"Don't allow your disABILITY to shut you out of life; your request for Access has been Granted"